vol. i #78

All hail Nick Saban
He’s got a great résumé
And he’s not Wannstedt

vol. i #77

Arrested again
Only this time in my car
Ho ho! Just kidding!

vol. i #76

What? A gift for me?
Well domo aragoto
Mr. Roboto

vol. i #75

Double, Pennsylvania
Courage, oven, uncle, elm
Treat, Ronald Reagan

vol. i #74

Leave the pond behind
Jump in my red-hot griddle
You tasty catfish

vol. i #73

Never mind the facts
Those slick network news anchors
They’ve got the good hair

vol. i #72

Double guns blazing
The Covenant on the run
Master Chief walks tall

vol. i #71

Goofing with Kotter
Or making with the ladies
The Sweathogs kicked ass

vol. i #70

Rizzo and Sandra
It’s time to make the bacon
Once you say “I do”

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In honor of the wedding of two close, personal friends. And no, I didn’t try to pass this off as a wedding gift.

vol. i #69

Huh-huh huh-huh-huh
Huh-huh-huh-huh huh-huh-huh
I said “sixty-nine”

vol. i #68 - Wednesday Haiku!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

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In response to the re-election of George Walker Bush; inspired by Warren Ellis & Darrick Robertson’s Transmetropolitan.

vol. i #67 - Tuesday Haiku!

Long lines really suck
But beat a dictatorship
Please go out and vote

vol. i #66

Who should we elect?
Bush/Cheney? Kerry/Edwards?
Vote for me instead

vol. i #65

Another year gone
Without seeing “Bill & Ted’s”
But plenty more beer

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A birthday haiku for a Friday Haiku recipient who stubbornly refused to watch Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure until shortly after this haiku finally shamed him into action.

vol. i #64

Like sweet vinegar
An incompetent worker
Both are damn useless

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In honor of a longtime coworker’s ongoing stupidity.

vol. i #63

Chessboard assassin
Wild-eyed, racist Grand Master
“Mad” Bobby Fischer

vol. i #62

Sweetest girl on earth
Rainbows, sunshine, and smiles
That ain’t Simeon

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In honor of a longtime coworker’s last day.

vol. i #61

Buzzsaw power chords
Shag bowl cut, Nixonesque jowls
Johnny Ramone rocked

vol. i #60

Hey there, Cornelius
Stop humaning around, chimp
Zaius is coming

vol. i #59

Flavor, X, and Griff
The Lyrical Terrorist
P.E. in the house

vol. i #58

Baked, Mister, Refried
Jelly, Mexican Jumping
The musical fruit

vol. i #57

Promising title
But Lucas, you’re on thin ice
Please don’t f--- III up

vol. i #56

Born Ricky Williams
Quit the Dolphins to smoke weed
Rechristened Judas

vol. i #55

Ain’t noise pollution
Soul-saving, rabble-rousing
That sweet rock ‘n’ roll

vol. i #54

Good ol’ Spider-Man
Lurking in dark corners and
Freaking people out

vol. i #53

Man, myth, and legend
Champion of Canada
They call him Mandrew

----------
In honor of a longtime coworker’s last day.

vol. i #52

Cold robotic heart
Vice Presidential cyborg
Tricky Dick Cheney

vol. i #51

Two cool customers
Han Solo and Chewbacca
Stick it to The Man

vol. i #50

One year and five days
Spent writing senseless haiku
Some might find that mad

vol. i #49

Hurray! Yeah! Huzzah!
Happy Independence Day!
Oh? Not till next month?

vol. i #48

Tried and true advice
Good for any occasion:
Don’t squeeze the Charmin

vol. i #47

All-beef patties, sauce
Lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions
Sesame seed bun

vol. i #46

Ehrlich says, “It’s crap.”
It’s how our country was built
Out of many, one

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Inspired by Maryland Governor Bobby Ehrlich’s decision to call multi-culturalism “crap.”

vol. i #45

Cinco de Mayo
Es fiesta muy bueno
Mucho tequila

vol. i #44

Better in theory
Than as a real-life substance
Banana pudding

vol. i #43

No time for haiku
Should start doing these at home
Before they are due

vol. i #42

I’m not called Maurice
‘Specially by some people
Why is Steve Miller?

vol. i #41

Look out! Behind you!
There’s a spider on the wall!
Ha ha, April Fool’s!

vol. i #40

Mickey’s, Colt, Red Bull
“8-Ball,” King Cobra, Magnum
40s I have known

vol. i #39

Roars in lion-esque
Then simpers out like a lamb
Dr. Howard Dean

vol. i #38

La cucarachas
Odiadas por todos
Son tan sucias

vol. i #37

Smooth operator
Shilling the Colt 45
Billy Dee Williams

vol. i #36

Don’t need censorship
To silence the media
When it’s owned by prudes

vol. i #35

How to stop vote fraud
By hackable machines?
Absentee ballot

vol. i #34

Black-eyed peas and grits
Hog jowls, collard greens, cornbread
Good Southern eatin’

vol. i #33

BWI
Really doesn’t tolerate
Guys with brass knuckles

vol. i #32

In red kung fu gi
He’s number-one super guy
In black, evil twin

vol. i #31

Remember the time
Fonzie danced like a Russian
Down at Arnold’s place?

vol. i #30

This is one long word:
Antidisestablishment-
arianism

vol. i #29

If Dan Marino
Really threw cheese in a 'fridge
That icebox would break

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Inspired by a commercial depicting legendary NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Dan "The Man" Marino expertly cannonballing a bag of shredded cheese into a refrigerator. Really!